Victoria Schattauer, 21 år gammal och är i en period i livet då hela livet känns väldigt starkt. Här delar jag med mig av min vardag (färgglad som grå), mitt skrivande och en hel bunt i fotoform. Kram!

some thoughts.

Since I lately, for the few 7 months, been talking and basically thinking in English the thought of writing in the same language crossed my mind more than once. It's wierd huh, how a language that's not even yours can make you feel so humble and somehow even safe. And how a place so far away can make you feel safer than your actual home.
 
Since I arrived to the country of many dreams I've not only learned things about myself, but even more about others. How freakin' important it is to not let people walk over you. To stand up for yourself when needed and even at times when not. Something that I have to work really hard with since i came to this country. People are definetly not as nice as you believe they are. I've met more rude people than I thought existed on this place called earth, and so it goes the other way. So many personalities to remember and also learn from.
 
I've learned that I want to be there for everyone, make everyone happy, as it would make me feel better about myself. As if I then, would'nt be able to let anyone down, and therefore not myself. That's a tricky equation. And it gets worse when I'm here, on the other side of the world, with all these people not knowing me. I want my person to make sense to everyone, isn't it funny. How's that even possible. Cause it's not.

I wouldn't say that I'm a tricky person. If you look at the outside I would call myself "easy going". But if someone would look on my inside they would probably run. My friends don't and sometimes I wonder why.

I don't talk in the same manner as I did a year ago. And I don't cry as often. It's been more than two weeks since I cried last time and for me, that's something that I pretty much did everyday a year ago. What that is and where it comes from is a question impossible for me to answer. Even though I feel as I more and more believe in my own abilities, my anxiety when it comes to pushing myself mostly becomes to much for me to handle. It's a fine line which can trigger me to do better, but also the actual opposite.
 
Many people that doesn't have this kind of anxiety wouldn't really understand how it is to live with it. So when people tell me that I'm doing a great job at work or being friendly to everyone, I laugh and sometimes say that I wouldn't always act like that without my anxiety when performing. So sometimes I want to thank my feelings for being my best friend and other times I'd rather do nothing but get rid of them.



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